Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
