she was so not down for the gang bang
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
