So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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