Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
