He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just found puke in my bra..
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
