My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
