I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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