You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
