News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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