I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
