its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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