the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Can I color on your dick again?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Randomize
