if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
