Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
