He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
