I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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