Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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