Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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