So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
