I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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