Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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