Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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