Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
