that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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