I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
