apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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