my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Can you bring me the toilet please
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
