Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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