Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
