Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My vagina just clenched in fear
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