He kissed a someone with a penis
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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