she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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