Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
