So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
