Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
jump out the window naked night went bad
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
