Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
