is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
