Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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