I need help removing her.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
