I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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