just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
