So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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