Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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