I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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