two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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