I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
