I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
