I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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