He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
