I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
