Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
