Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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