i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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