new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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