I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
