Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
