i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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