Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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